1.4 Now and Then

Mount Aspiring College grounds morning and night

The crisp of the winter mornings in Mount Aspiring College can be smelt like a mix of frost and burnt wood as it comes to the nose, Cars setting up the smoke screens as they burst off leaving their child behind, With the freezing temperatures causing children to see their breath, then there’s those who pretend they have cigar so they can get a sense of whats it’s like being grown up. The cold speaking on how the children layer up in the there black puffers, which sound like rattlesnakes approaching there pray as they burst into school causing the quad to be flooded with hordes of those black rattles huddling in groups rioting against the numbing feeling of this winter morning. Yawns can be heard around the School spreading around like wildfire causing the children to feel a little more tired as the children wait and dread for that 8:30 mark so they can slither away to their Classes acting like the mother’s nest as the children take shelter for warmth and hungry for the knowledge to be fed to them.

As time is passed and the sun awakes from its deep slumber it’s there to greet the children out if the School grounds, Whilst the sun has been out it has not made a vast impact on the frosty temperature causing the front of the school to still be faced with a rugged sea of black puffers slowly rolling out and the odd blue jumper can be seen trying to swim through the crashing waves that are the black puffers as they hurry out of the Schoolyard. The ones stranded waiting for a pick-up or waiting on their after school activities to start, they’re left alone, alone to feel the numbing feeling the winter provides. By the time the Schoolyard clears the sound of those black puffers to start to dissipate and the temperature drops causing fewer and fewer people to be seen. With the less the people the less the School needs to provide so as the night sky gets darker the more light spreads around the school as it chargers for a new day.

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Hi Taine,

– use punctuation for greater effects. You tend to have run-on sentences in places.
– polish your use of capitalisation
– make sure it doesn’t feel as though each sentence is disconnected from the next. At the moment it just feels like a list of things you can experience, rather than a cohesive ‘whole’. So ensure everything feels connected.

Continue to use July 21st’s feedback, as well as:
– ensure homophones are spelt correctly for their intended purpose
– keep working towards crafting the piece as a ‘whole’ – it feels a bit listed at the moment. Consult the Bannockburn piece again and use that as a model for your writing.
– Keep working on fulfilling the task’s expectations of the ‘Then’ and ‘Now’ and their differences.

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